Thursday, January 5, 2012

A Call from Bill Hancock

(I promise to get back to the prediction stuff soon -- after a dalliance with NCAA football I've started to ramp back up for basketball.  In the meantime, this imagined scenario from last night, inspired by my earlier comment that the NCAA was only allowing ten players on defense to spice up the bowl season.)

Phone call at spacious Turner Mansion last night:

(Ring, Ring)

Me:  Hello?  Oh, hello Mr. Hancock.  How is your job as BCS Executive Director going?

Hancock: (mumble mumble mumble)

Me: Well, you're welcome.  I'm glad my suggestion to only play ten players on defense has worked out so well.

Hancock: (mumble mumble mumble)

Me: *Nine* on defense?  No, I'm not sure that's a good idea.  We've been counting on the fact that most sports writers can't count past ten.   So far they haven't noticed.  But you put nine players out there and someone is going to write about it.  And where does it all end?  Eight players?  Seven players?

Hancock: (mumble mumble mumble)

Me: No, sir, that was a joke.  I'm not recommending seven players on defense.  Listen, I don't think this is a good idea.  Baylor just obliterated the points scoring record for a bowl game.  This is Baylor, the doormat of the Big 12, a university whose only men's championship is in *tennis*.  And then you had Wisconsin -- Wisconsin of all teams! -- throwing the ball all over the field and scoring 38 points.  That's more than the Wisconsin basketball team scored last season.  I realize you want to turn it up to eleven for the Orange Bowl, but this is not a good idea.

Hancock: (mumble mumble mumble)

Me: You're worried about Clemson's defense?  With all due respect, sir, Clemson is an ACC team.  The last time the ACC won a meaningful bowl game it was actually played for a bowl.  If you gave the ACC space lasers they couldn't defend Fort Knox against a Boy Scout troop.

Hancock: (mumble mumble mumble)

Me: True, it is West Virginia.

Hancock: (mumble mumble mumble)

Me: No, sir, West Virginia is part of the United States.

Hancock: (mumble mumble mumble)

Me: No apology necessary.  It's a common misconception.

Hancock: (mumble mumble mumble)

Me: Well, you do what you have to do, sir.  Personally, I'm a traditionalist.  Just tell the officials the result and let them take care of it.  That's worked for Duke basketball for decades and no one's the wiser.  Do they have a "charging" call in football?  I can't remember.  But I'm sure you'll make a good decision.

Hancock: (mumble mumble mumble)

Me:  "Bet the over"?  Ha, ha, good one, sir.

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